So, Who Are You Willing to Reproduce With?

Photo: Rose & Anzai Country Life/YouTube

A Good Picker Leads to a Good Partner

Recently, I was watching a YouTube channel which made me think about the importance of fixing what I refer to in For the Love of my Father (2nd Edition), as a “broken picker.” For women, our picker is the instinct that guides us to a potential right partner. If that picker is broken, we can suffer.

Of course choosing a man who is a Good partner and a Good father to our children is important. However, watching this channel made me think specifically about the seriousness of pregnancy.  Our picker has to be sharp to be able to make a choice about a man who we are going to trust in one of our most vulnerable moments. 

This perspective is important because some women with “daddy issues” somehow end up choosing a man who is not a Good father, and who does not show-up for them during their pregnancy.  It is as though they somehow recreate a relationship with a man who is absent in one way or another, like their fathers; thereby opening the possibility of recreating the same drama for their children. 

Pregnancy: A Most Vulnerable Time for Women

Pregnant women have always been at higher risk when challenges arise in the world. During  wars  they can  be easy targets. This may not apply to most of us today, but it creates an image. Just consider that  you would have to choose a  man who  would be able to protect you in these circumstances.

This perspective may be helpful if you are a woman who has had challenges with your father, which might have affected your man picker. The YouTube channel I’ve mentioned is Rose & Anzai Country Life (@roseinchina1). The channel shares the life of an Ugandan woman, Rose, who married a Chinese man, Wu Jianyun, and moved to the countryside of  Zhejiang, China to live with him.  While I’m a subscriber, I don’t know them, or have any other connection to them.

 I found the channel very interesting for many reasons.  The idea that she moved from Uganda to China seemed brave.  The fact that she embraced Chinese culture and language was amazing to me.  She seemingly learned to cook traditional Chinese cuisine from their province.  She also does some farming, and goes to the fields to pick vegetables to cook from time to time. Both she and her husband work hard by Western standards. Yet, their life seems simple and happy.  

I also learn about life in that part of China, and about humans in that part of the world. By the time I began watching they already had a son, but not long after, she became pregnant with her second child. Very quickly Rose was ill with the traditional morning sickness, and some of the other symptoms of pregnancy.  Soon she was in  bed often.  After a few months she was better, but really not able to be her usual self.  Towards the end of the pregnancy, she needed a lot of help.  

None of this is new or unusual for pregnancy.  What was impressive was her husband’s response to her illness.  He, of course, is not unique, and he was being filmed.  There are many husbands who care for their wives during pregnancy, but watching them made me think about what a vulnerable time pregnancy is for women.

Choosing Wisely Is Imperative

I can speak from experience because I was sick for my entire pregnancy.  The first time I found myself in front of the toilet bowl vomiting, I turned around to find my then-partner had moved to the other side of the house, leaving me alone. I was weak, nauseous, and vomited often for the entire nine months. I was not a sight for sore eyes, and only a shell of myself for the duration.  The fact that I was alone when I got up from in front of the toilet bowl was a sign of what was to come.  I had not thought about my experiences in many years, but watching Rose and Wu Jianyun made me think of the vulnerable position women find themselves in when they are pregnant.  It seems most of us don’t think about this in advance.

When I see women who become pregnant without really knowing the man they become pregnant with, it seems they might not understand the seriousness of their decision.  There are many risks involved with pregnancy.  Aside from the financial ramifications of bringing a child into the world, there are many emotional and physical changes women experience. 

In the best of circumstances, pregnancy can be overwhelming. What if we are financially responsible for ourselves, but become pregnant and can’t work? Sometimes pregnancy can be a matter of life and death. A woman can be healthy, become pregnant and suddenly develop a new illness.  She can also have some latent condition which manifests suddenly during pregnancy. 

Pregnancy can possibly incapacitate a woman completely. I’m not even addressing all the risks in places around the world without access to adequate health care.  In some of those places, it is said a pregnant woman has one foot in the grave. 

No one can have a crystal ball, and even if you marry a man, you can’t know with certainty how a man will treat you.  This is why fine-tuning your picker is important.  Before you place yourself and your eggs  at risk, it is important to make sure your picker is properly calibrated. Having issues with your own father is one of the primary causes of a broken picker.  

A Shared Responsibility

Both men and women are responsible for reproduction, but women carry the eggs, and humans grow in [their bodies]. Therefore, we bear the major responsibility of making good choices about whom we allow to fertilize our eggs and whom we go through this process for so to speak. For the Love of my Father  (2nd Edition) Pages 126-127.

Rose and Wu Jianyun are a great reminder of how men and women were intended to be together.  She is a strong, tall Ugandan woman.  But when she became pregnant she absolutely needed her husband, and he showed up in every way. For those of us who have unhealed issues with our fathers, this is just another reminder to seek healing.  It is important to develop the ability to choose a man who will show up for us when we are at our most vulnerable: carrying his baby. —Olivia