One of the most wonderful things that I’ve heard with regards to the topic that I’m here discussing every week.
As I said over on Facebook, I’m super excited today because I found a post on Instagram from this guy, this subscriber, named Relearning Manhood. And it’s the cutest post ever. He is taking a video of his daughter walking in the mall. And on top of it, the caption that he placed says, I had to heal as a man to prevent breaking my daughter. And that is simply one of the most wonderful things that I’ve heard with regards to the topic that I’m here discussing every week. And that is how to heal from having an absent father, or how to make it up, so to speak, when you’re an absent father.
My name is Olivia S. Benson and I’m the author of two books. And the most recent is For the Love of My Father, which is available on Amazon. And I basically speak about being a daughter who grew up without a father. And there are many experiences that I’ve had that I believe particularly qualify me to help in the transformation of women’s lives with regards to this particular issue.
I hope and I know that if you’re here, it’s because you’ve had some issues with your father, whether it was that he was absent, or that he was just not a good father in your view, or that you just don’t have a good relationship with him. So whatever the case is, most of the people that are here are here because of that, especially the women, obviously. If you’re a man, you’re probably here because it’s important to you to know what it’s like for your daughter if you were absent or if you don’t have a good relationship. And my experience can help you to see what it’s like from the other side of the situation.
Because we have about 10 to 15 minutes to discuss on a weekly basis, but really to get the full picture, it’s a matter of reading the book and doing the work. Of course, everything that I do is coming from a spiritual perspective, the perspective of understanding who we are as spiritual beings, understanding that the experiences that we have have a greater meaning than just what meets the eye. And that often, despite the ugly and the harshness of them, there’s something to be gained, and there is growth to be attained. So that’s the perspective that I use with everything.
One of the Most Insightful Things I’ve Seen Written
So as I said, there is the post. It’s on my Facebook page. I think I’ve reposted it like two or three times. And it is on Instagram. And the subscriber’s name is relearningmanhood.
And he simply says one of the most insightful things I’ve seen written in a long time with regards to this subject. Because for those of you who are not here for the first time, if you have read For the Love of My Father, available on Amazon, you know that there’s an entire chapter particularly devoted to issues that people of African descent may have with family and fatherhood and motherhood, particularly because of the experiences of slavery.
Of course, this is not everyone. There are many people who are people of African descent who have healed this issue completely. There are people who are not of African descent who have the issue, for whatever reason, in their families with regards to brokenness for whatever other reason.
What Slavery Was Intended to Do
But particularly for people of African descent, there’s a history of what slavery did, what slavery was intended to do: to break the family, to break generational bonds, to break existing cultural patterns. And so we know that we have people who are in the present day disconnected from what historically, as a person of African descent, whatever their prior ancestral history was — you are brought to America, you are separated from that culture, and you sort of are floating in the air. So you don’t have, for some of us, a clear connection.
And it shows up many times — not always, but many times — it shows up in terms of how men of African descent, some men of African descent, can fail at parenting. And there’s really no other way to put it. First of all, it’s not all men of African descent. Second of all, it’s not only men of African descent who fail as fathers.
But in this particular case, I’m addressing those circumstances in which we know that, for example — and I talk about this in the book, and I’ve spoken about it in a prior YouTube video — where we had within slavery the practice of breeding. Breeding meaning using a male of African descent to have intercourse with a woman of African descent, with no emotional bonds, no emotional ties, intending for the woman to become pregnant and have a child, which would in essence expand the slave stock. And then even if there was a family bond created, generally speaking, the slave owner had no reservation about breaking the family: mother goes one way, father goes one way, children or child go another way.
And this seems to have created a certain pattern of behavior, where first of all, women of African descent, some women of African descent, frequently bear the burden of the family. And certain men of African descent are not always properly bonded to the family, or having a clear sense of what it is to become a father.
What Does a Freed Man Say to His Son?
And there’s a line in the book where I say, just a thought: you’re separated from whatever ancestral history you came from in Africa, which is our civilizations that have existed for thousands and thousands of years, and they had their system. And it obviously worked, because they survived. And then you’re brought over here, separated from that. And you’re trying to make it as a slave — let’s say, for example, you’re trying to make it as a slave. And you really don’t know what pattern to follow. And obviously, for many of our ancestors, they followed what they saw from, let’s say, a slave master.
But the question that I asked was, what does a freed man say to his son on the day that he becomes free? What does he have to give that son on the day that he becomes a freed man, given the experiences that he’s had? Not a specific answer, but it almost is kind of like, gives you goosebumps, because what could you say? You have nothing that you could offer to him, you have no education, you have no clear cultural connection to the past. And now you’re basically starting from scratch.
So that is a big deal. Something that, of course, people of African descent know, but it’s something that we really, really need to work on. And of course, this is not just people of African descent. If you’re Native American, a lot of history around breaking up the tribal culture, and all of their history, and patterns of existence for thousands of years. And once you break that, it takes generations to build it back up.
Not Only Is He Insightful, He Is Brave
But this is why this post — and I’m looking at it, I’ve looked at it like a million times, because it’s the cutest thing ever. And you can’t see the little girl’s face. Please go to my Facebook page, by the way; you can also follow me at Author Olivia S. Benson, and also on Instagram at Olivia S. Benson as well. And the post: the little girl is walking, and he puts on top of it, I had to heal as a man to prevent breaking my daughter.
Now many times people want to be upset about what happened in the past and slavery and whose fault and all this kind of stuff. And really here, I’m not addressing that at all. I’m just saying, we have an issue. This is the issue. There are a lot of women who are seriously affected by the absence of a father. And my call is to tell you that this can be healed, this can be fixed, and give you some insight in my book, For the Love of My Father, for how this can happen.
Now the great thing about this is that this man says, I realized that I had to heal. And I don’t know what his issues were. I address it sort of from the perspective of this generational issue with slavery, but I don’t know what he had to heal. But the mere fact that he knows that he has to fix himself so he would not break his daughter — it’s so insightful.
And in addition to that, not only does he say it, but he writes it, and then he makes it public. Usually one of the issues that we have with many men is being willing to admit that they’re wrong, being humble enough to ask for help. And I could take a whole day to discuss just this post, because this man, not only is he insightful, he is brave. He’s brave enough to think it, feel it, write it, share it. And to come to the realization that it requires him to do some things, because in advance, he knows that he doesn’t want to hurt his daughter.
They’re Going to Suffer Also
And in that wisdom that he’s showing, he’s actually acknowledging something else. Because many times when — let’s just stick with dads — dads do this thing, and they’re absent, or they don’t develop to become the best father they can be or whatever, they don’t realize that if they don’t fix themselves, their daughter is going to suffer. But guess what? They’re going to suffer also, because they’re going to have to suffer watching her, watching her not have a healthy self-esteem, picking wrong guys, having children with the wrong guy, and having all the difficulties that come from that.
So the fact that he in advance has said, I’m going to fix myself before my daughter suffers and before I have to watch her suffer — that is awesome.
I’m Olivia S. Benson, author of For the Love of My Father, which is available on Amazon. I’m here to help women overcome this issue. I’m on Facebook, Author Olivia S. Benson, Instagram and Twitter, Olivia S. Benson. And of course, this is my YouTube channel. Also, I have a website, OliviaSBenson.com, and we have products. We have other things that I’ve written, t-shirts, cups, and things along those lines. So check that out as well.