He also lost a lot by not having the capacity to deal with his issues.
At this moment, these videos are about my discussions about my new book, For the Love of My Father, which is a book about healing issues created by the absence of a father, by coming into a greater spiritual understanding of life on the planet.
Just as a little bit of a background, I am essentially — and I would say there’s a part of me still in me; I’m not a little girl anymore, but inside of me lives a little girl — who was born into modest circumstances, from a very small town, and experienced, or suffered, or however you’d like to put it, a lot of trauma and a lot of drama around my relationship with my dad and around his absence in my life.
That little girl is speaking to the little girl inside of you
That little girl is speaking to the little girl inside of you, or to the little boy inside of you, about the things that happened to her and how she was able to overcome all of those things and become whole by coming into an understanding and using spiritual principles.
A friend of mine and I were talking a couple weeks ago — not even a couple weeks ago, I would say maybe a week ago — and he asked me what was my what, or what was my why. And I essentially told him that what I wanted to do was to let all those little girls out there, whether we’re talking about your inner child, your inner little girl, or we’re talking about actual little girls now, that you can have this life experience, that you can have an absent father, that you can have drama and trauma around your relationship with your father, and there is, based on spiritual law, based on spiritual understanding, based on spiritual principles, there is a way that you can be whole again. Beyond that essential self that I always talk about, that we come in as these pure beings, the essential self, and then lots of things get piled on top. There is a way of cleaning that and allowing your light to shine again, so that you can be all that you are meant to be.
The discussion, of course, is based on For the Love of My Father. It’s available on Amazon, and you can find more information about the book on my website, OliviaSBenson.com. I’m also on Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. There’s lots of information out there on the book at this point.
None of this is about you
One of the things that I talk about is that I wish that there had been one person at any point in my life, prior to me having to figure all of this out, that had said, listen, daddy loves you to the extent that he’s able to love, and his behavior towards you, whether things that he’s done or not done or what have you, have nothing to do with you. Don’t take this personally. And I didn’t have that opportunity, and I would like to give that opportunity to other people, and that’s really one of the things that the book is all about.
For you to understand that none of this is about you. You didn’t do anything wrong. You didn’t contribute to this. And even though you suffered the experiences that you did, there is a way for you to overcome and be a whole being and live a full life and enjoy good relationships and be prosperous in every possible way.
That means something is wrong with your father
There’s also a story in the book about my friend John. And John’s a very down-to-earth, practical kind of guy, and we were talking, and I basically said something that suggested that there was something wrong with me because my father treated me the way that he did. And it was a very funny thing in retrospect, because I said it and then John laughed, and what he said was something that was really very helpful in my process. And what he said was, whatever I said, he said, that doesn’t mean that. That means that something is wrong with your father.
And he’d never met my father. We’ve been wonderful friends for many, many, many years, and we’d always talk about things related to our parents. And when I said whatever I said, he could hear me essentially saying that I caused my father to behave in the way that he did, and that there was something wrong with me that made that happen. And his response was — and he laughed — and he said, that doesn’t mean that. That means there’s something wrong with your father.
And that was the first time that I’d, you know, thought that, or sort of put that together. I mean, at some level, like, I probably knew something was off, but that was the first time that somebody had put it in those words to me, and it really made a difference. The fact that he said that sent me thinking in another direction. It also made me realize that for a long time I must have believed this, consciously or subconsciously. This is what I believed.
The capacity to reproduce doesn’t translate into the capacity to give and receive real love
And sometimes when I watch, or have seen, the shows about paternity and things along those lines, where they drag the guys onto the show to determine if they’re fathers, you can really see that many of those men have a lot of issues. I mean, obviously the women do as well, but you’re not talking about whole people who are reproducing and spawning offspring, that are conscious and aware of themselves and in a good relationship with themselves and loving themselves enough not to reproduce without any thought.
They’re clearly in a situation where they have issues, and the fact that they have issues is creating all of these repercussions. And what it really ultimately boils down to is that they don’t love themselves in some way, and therefore they’re creating circumstances where they will become fathers and not have the ability to enjoy all the different kinds of joy that you can have by being a father.
Those shows and things along those lines, they basically tell you that the capacity to have sex and to reproduce doesn’t automatically translate into the capacity to give and receive real love. Understanding this about our dads would be helpful to us, because it would help you have compassion. If you think that your dad is just an evil villain that set out to hurt you, you’re probably mistaken. Your dad, just like mine, probably had his own bag of issues that got in his way and prevented him from enjoying everything that he could have enjoyed as a father to you.
Look at all that my dad missed
I was talking to one of my dad’s friends a few days ago, and while I was having a conversation — which we were having a great time, by the way, talking about many different things, different stories, and we were laughing and playing, and it was just a great conversation — I thought to myself, wow, look at all that my dad missed by not getting to know me and enjoy what I would have brought to his life.
As a daughter with an absent father, I’ve had experiences, I’ve suffered as a result of it, but I wasn’t the only one suffering. We’ll have ample opportunity to talk about dad and what he did and what he didn’t do and why he should have and what have you, but right now what came into focus was, wow, he also lost a lot by not having the capacity to deal with his issues and manage his issues, or even recognize the issues. Because if he had, then he would have received more love from a daughter, or his daughters.
And that should be helpful to you along the lines of forgiving, because I talk a lot in the book about forgiving, and along with the forgiveness, it’s compassion, which I say a lot. Don’t think that if you forgive your dad or you have compassion towards him that you’re letting him off the hook. He’s going to bear the consequences. Everybody bears the consequences of their own actions. It’s just a cause and effect universe. There’s just no way around it. Even when we don’t get to see it, it’s operating in the invisible, so to speak.
So the fact that you were able to develop compassion towards your dad because of his circumstances doesn’t change anything in terms of whatever consequences he will have. And clearly here, we’re talking about consequences. We’re saying, boy, he’s missing out from the opportunity to enjoy what it would be to have a daughter, to be adored by a daughter, to have a relationship with a daughter. Even, like I was talking to his friend, to have a telephone call — a telephone call, and just laugh about things. Those are losses to a father who has not developed a relationship with his daughter, or for that matter with his children.
So there’s much to be discussed about the daughter and her issues and her suffering and the things that happen as a result of an absent father. But I don’t want us to lose sight of the fact that a father who behaves in a manner that is completely disconnected from what is essentially the fruit of his loins is really someone who is disconnected from his essential self. And that will cause him great, great pain. And also it will cause him significant losses in terms of things that he might otherwise enjoy.
So please keep this in mind as you go through your process: forgiveness and compassion, and understanding that there is a loss involved to your father, because he had his issues and he didn’t deal with it. And he may not even have realized it. You know, in past generations, people didn’t talk about things, didn’t consider things. Everybody just kind of moved forward. And so he might never have even thought there was anything wrong. He might have thought it was perfectly okay to have a child or children and not involved. Maybe that was his experience. Maybe that was his example.
And once you realize it’s not personal to you, and you realize that his issues have caused him suffering as well as you, then perhaps you will be able to have compassion. Maybe you will release some of the anger that you may have towards him.
Forgiveness, a pill to take like your life depends on it
And today, this is another one of the cups. I always say, every time I talk about them, I always say this is my favorite. I guess they’re all my favorites. But this one carries a lot in it. And it says, “Forgiveness, a pill to take like your life depends on it.” And that’s because I talk about the fact that forgiving your dad is one of the most important things that you will do in this process. It will relieve you of a burden that you’ve been carrying, if you haven’t addressed this issue.
So again, the book is For the Love of My Father. It’s available on Amazon. I am on Facebook as Author Olivia S. Benson — you got to put the S, otherwise you’re talking about Mariska, not Mariska, about Taylor Swift’s cat, or Mariska Hargitay on one of the Criminal Intent shows. I am Olivia S. Benson, Author Olivia S. Benson. I’m on Twitter and Instagram as Olivia S. Benson. And my website is OliviaSBenson.com.