Hopefully we come to a certain place where we recognize that we have those issues.
Okay, so it’s another month and we’re on to a new topic. In case you don’t know, I’m Olivia S. Benson, author of a new book, For the Love of My Father, which is my second book. The first book is Answers from Within. Both of them are available on Amazon.
At this moment, we are discussing For the Love of My Father, which is essentially a book about healing issues created by the absence of a father in our lives, particularly in the lives of women, girls, and understanding them and healing them based on a spiritual perspective of life on the planet.
The book, again, is For the Love of My Father, which is available on Amazon. Also, I have a website, OliviaSBenson.com, and we have a lot of different information on the website, and we have products. You can order the book through the website, or you can go straight to Amazon. Also, we have t-shirts and mugs associated with things that I have written related to both the first and the second book.
Everybody has issues
If you’re here, you are probably a young woman or woman who has had issues as a result of having an absent father. Generally speaking, people speak about women who have issues with their fathers as having daddy issues, and I don’t think there’s any shame in that. Everybody has issues, and hopefully we come to a certain place where we recognize that we have those issues.
For some of us, unfortunately, it takes a long time to really realize that we have issues, because, to be honest, as I was growing up, as challenging as my circumstances were, and despite everything that I speak about in the book, I did not think of myself really as having issues.
I was sort of thinking about that just this morning as I was preparing for today. What happened is that a few months ago, one of my neighbors has a daughter, and they were in the backyard. She and some of her friends were in the backyard playing. Now, these kids are probably seven, eight, nine. I don’t think anybody was 10 years. And I overheard their conversation, and the kids were speaking about one of their friends, and they were saying basically that the parents don’t really correct the child.
The children under the age of 10 were talking about how poorly the parents were doing with this particular child, and these children at this young age said basically that this other kid — I won’t even say young lady, but this other kid — was going to have issues. I thought to myself, my God, they’re so advanced. And I was clearly very oblivious, or maybe not oblivious, but they had very clearly an understanding that because of something that this other child’s parent was doing, she was going to have issues.
All of us are not on that same page. Even as adults, we sometimes don’t know that we have issues, but hopefully we get to that place. Of course, this is part of what this channel is about, particularly about dealing with daddy issues, absent fathers.
It’s not just for the girls
Now, something that’s really interesting about the book is that it’s not just for the girls. It’s not just for the women who’ve had this experience, but it’s for the people who support them. If you have a mate and you’re a man, and you have a mate that you know has this particular issue, this book is for you.
Also, if you are that absent daddy — you just weren’t there, you weren’t ready, whatever your story is — and you realize the suffering, the suffering that you’ve caused your daughter or daughters, and now you’re ready to deal with it, this would be a book that would be helpful to you.
Getting Ready to Love
This week, we are going to change the conversation. There’s a chapter in the book that’s called “Getting Ready to Love.” Obviously — maybe not so obviously, but anyway — the idea is that we have this particular issue. You grew up without your dad. You had negative experiences with your dad. Whatever the story might be, it wasn’t a great situation in terms of your experience with your father, absent or just not a positive relationship.
You have this, and you become an adult. Now, it’s time for you to get ready to be in a relationship. Lo and behold, maybe you get involved in a relationship and you realize that something is not quite right. For most of us, it sort of happens a few times. We say, okay, this relationship didn’t work, and this relationship didn’t work, and this relationship didn’t work, but you really don’t understand why.
Some of us, of course, are advanced learners. It doesn’t have to be multiple times. It could be just one time, and then you begin to see that something is off and something needs to be addressed. Well, for me, it took a while. I wouldn’t say it was multiple relationships, but it definitely took a while to really piece it all together and to really understand what was missing, and what it would take for me to be a person, a whole person, as far as a relationship is concerned, that would be able to be in a healthy long-term relationship.
So, every one of us functions differently. Some people, it will be quick. You will see it. You probably knew it in advance. And for others of us, it’s just going to be a matter of time, and that doesn’t even make any difference. It could be that you’re just sharp and you got it, and some of us, it’s just going to take some time. And generally speaking, it takes as long as it takes, just as long as hopefully you get to the place where you realize, okay, there’s something a little off, and I’m willing to do the work to figure it out and to heal whatever issues ail me, and then be ready to be someone that can be in a healthy relationship, a healthy long-term relationship.
What I mean when I say heal myself
And I want to clarify something, because I often talk about healing ourselves, and I don’t want to cause any confusion. I’m not talking about, you know, like abracadabra, I’m going to heal myself. I’m talking about healing yourself by going through what I describe as a spiritual journey: a journey that involves getting to know yourself, a journey that involves forgiveness, and a journey that involves understanding the totality of who you are as a spiritual being, and understanding that we all come to the planet to have certain experiences.
Everybody gets here and they have some lessons. My belief is that we come precisely to have those lessons to help us grow and become more spiritually connected. And also, of course, the better we are able to be in terms of wholeness, the more we have to offer the world.
So when I say heal myself, I do not mean that I, in and of myself, am waving a magic wand and making myself whole. I’m talking about going through the spiritual process, the spiritual work, the spiritual journey that is required to heal things that ail us all. In my particular case, I feel that one of the most significant challenges that I’ve had in my life was growing up without my father and having certain very challenging experiences with my father. As a woman, this is a pretty significant one, but there are many others, and men have others as well.
There’s got to be something there for something to come up
So the important thing is that I believe — and there’s a whole little section in the chapter, “Getting Ready to Love,” where I talk about the fact that most of us get into relationships without even knowing what ails us, meaning what our issues are, what our problems are. And that’s a big challenge, because if you don’t know what your issues are and you can’t communicate it to the other person, not only is that person going to be surprised, but you’re going to be surprised. Because any day that you get into a long-term relationship and you are living with someone day in and day out, whatever is deep within you is going to come out sooner or later.
We always say — well, not always, but some of us say sometimes — that the other person pushes their buttons. Well, here’s the thing. There’s got to be something there for something to come up. So if there’s something there underneath, eventually something is going to be said and something’s going to be done that’s going to touch that part of you that, let’s describe it, is unhealed, but it’s there already. The other person is not making it happen. He or she is not creating the drama. It’s something that’s already in you.
And obviously there’s no perfection with human beings, and you could have those issues and find someone and be in a relationship with someone who helps you to heal the issues, right? You didn’t even realize it, but you get into a relationship and now all of a sudden the person recognizes, or is able to point out to you, that maybe you have this particular issue. And not only that, but the person is willing, loves you, cares about you this much or that much, that they’re willing to help you to heal your issues.
Yet, wouldn’t it be better if you knew what your issues were, or what your issues are? Wouldn’t that be amazing, that you say, you know what? I realize that my dad being absent is an issue, or was an issue for me as a child, and that has created certain sensitivities in me. Maybe I don’t trust men. Maybe I’m scared of being disappointed by men, and the whole list of things that happen because you’ve had issues with your daddy.
And for example, sometimes depending on what’s happened, women — some women will say, all men are liars. All men are cheaters, or any of those kinds of things. None of which are true, but you have this programming because of your experience. And you know, it’s a very difficult thing for someone to get into a relationship with you. And this is your underlying belief system. How could a relationship, for example, work if your underlying belief is that all men are liars or all men are cheaters? This would certainly be something that you would want to look at before you get into a relationship with a man, because this cannot play out well. And there’s a saying, you get what you want to see. Meaning that if that’s what you’re expecting, this is what is going to come to you.
What if we exchanged these lists in advance?
So the chapter goes through a scenario in which — it’s kind of a joke that I play with myself. What if every time you get into a relationship — this is not now, but maybe at some point in the future — whenever we get into a relationship, we were required to tell the other person what our known issues were? What if that was the way it was done? Wouldn’t that be helpful? And also, wouldn’t it be really, really helpful in terms of you tell the person, look, I got daddy issues. I got this issue. I got that issue. And obviously the other person is going to tell you what their issues are, because there’s nobody here that is unscathed. Everybody’s got something that they’re working on.
So let’s say you exchange these lists in advance. And then you both agree. Yep. I see your list and you see my list. And guess what? I think that I am prepared to handle what you’re coming to this relationship with. And not only do I see it, but I’m prepared to work with you. We will work with each other to really help each other to heal and to help each other be better.
That would be an amazing way to enter a relationship. And wouldn’t it be a relief to feel like somebody loves you despite your issues, despite your crazy. Somebody is going to love you knowing that this is the life experience that you’ve had, and this is the trauma that you’ve had. And also that they’re going to be willing to look at you and respect you because you know what it is and you’re willing to work on it.
So for today — and we’ll continue in this chapter, because there’s lots of juicy stuff in it — this is where I want to stop. And also check out my website, OliviaSBenson.com, my Facebook page, Author Olivia S. Benson, as well as my Instagram and Twitter.