If we’re going to grow, if we’re going to evolve, then women also are responsible for making sure that they treat each other with respect.
I’m Olivia S. Benson, and you guys know I always have to put the S in there because otherwise it’s Mariska Hargitay from Law & Order SVU. But today I wanted to go live because it’s Women’s History Month and I have a whole bunch of different posts out there talking about serious issues with regards to women in the world. There’s a post coming out about an apology from the Pope. There’s a post with regards to Jimmy Carter’s resignation from the Southern Baptist Convention because of their refusal to change the way that women are treated. And there are some other very interesting posts. If they’re not out already, they will be shortly.
But I thought to myself — and this is the case with every issue, for Black History Month, I had a lot of posts also — the key thing in all of these scenarios is how the people within the group treat each other. So for Women’s History Month, I think it’s important to talk about how women treat each other. And that’s kind of a very crazy thing that happens between women.
And I want to say this. Outside of the disappointments of relationships that I’ve had with men, just general disappointments that I’ve had with situations involving my intimate relationships with men, I will tell you that some of the greatest disappointments and some of the greatest betrayals I’ve experienced in my life have come from women. This is, of course, aside from my father, because as you guys know, one of the primary things I talk about is growing up without my father and the process that it took for me to heal from that issue. But many of the disappointments that I had in my life have come from my friendships, in my friendships with women.
She restored my faith in humanity
Now, before I go into that any further, I do want to take a minute and say that some of the advancements that I’ve made in my life have come as a result of women who have helped me. I have had some amazing women show up in my life at the perfect moment and give me a hand up. And there’s a story I want to tell, and maybe somebody knows this person. Her name is Laura Corris.
And this happened many, many years ago. I was looking for a job, and I went to the place that I was supposed to go to. And when I showed up, the lady, basically, she didn’t know I was Black. And the lady said there was no job, even though I had just spoken to her on the phone. When I showed up, she said there was no job. And it was a very aggressive “there’s no job, and get out of here.”
And on that very day — and Laura Corris never knew this — when I gathered myself and regained composure, was able to walk out of the place, but I didn’t give up. I went to the next job. And this was so long ago that the job was advertised in the newspaper. That’s how long ago it was. And I went to the next place, and I met Laura Corris.
And to make a long story short, she did not know what had happened just a couple of hours before. And that lady hired me and restored my faith in humanity. Like, literally, I could not believe what had happened an hour before. And the next hour, she just looked at me like a regular human being, like somebody that she needed somebody for a job, and she gave me the job. And I worked at that job while I was in college for many, many years. So, Laura Corris, thank you.
Some of the women who have helped me
I also mentioned Laura when I did a post for Black History and said, here’s some of the people that are not of African descent who have helped me. It was Laura Corris. It was Rachel Stern. It was Vicki Garrigo. These are some of the women who are not people of African descent who have helped me.
And then, as we go into Women’s History Month, I will tell you that I have an amazing friend. Her name is Cindy, Cynthia Tingling. And she’s been a friend and supported me all the way, in every possible way, for more than, I would say, probably more than 30 years. And has seen the good in everything. She has seen good in the worst circumstances for me and supported me.
One of my great spiritual teachers, Reverend Dr. Mary Ann Tompkins, and another one of my — I have to call her sisters — Reverend Dr. Sheila McKeithen. Also, when I first started in banking, there was a wonderful, wonderful woman. Her name is Dolores Ingram. And she was an amazing, amazing role model for me early on in my career.
So, I have had women who have helped me, without any question. I’ve had a lot of people, not just women. A lot of people have helped me. A lot of people of different races, nationalities, genders. I am not limiting that list in any way. And even the people that I mentioned here are just some of the people who really helped me. So, again, if anybody knows Laura Corris, if anybody knows where Vicki Garrigo is — I know Rachel Stern has made her transition, the Reverend Dr. Mary Tompkins has made her transition. Reverend Sheila McKeithen, of course, is alive and kicking. And Dolores Ingram is also alive and kicking. So, if anybody knows those people, please know these were people who helped me along the way.
Man’s Inhumanity to Women
Now, there’s a chapter in this book, Answers from Within, and it’s called Man’s Inhumanity to Women. It’s chapter six. And the themes for many of the posts that I’ve made for Women’s History Month are coming out of this book. And I’ve spent a lot of time in the posts talking about the history of how men have oppressed women. There’s no question about it.
You know, there’s an apology, a kind of a weird apology from Pope John Paul II. It’s been around for a long time. It’s kind of very superficial, but it shows that the Catholic Church, anyway, recognized that it had done terrible things to women over the centuries.
So, we know what men have done. And today, what I want to talk about is how women treat each other, because I think that that’s part of the solution. If we’re going to grow, if we’re going to evolve, if we’re going to have a more balanced society between men and women, then women also are responsible for making sure that they treat each other with respect.
The classic example
And the classic example — what I’m going to say here is no news, but the classic example that shows how women do not respect each other in some circumstances is the situation or the response when a woman finds out that her male mate is cheating. It is the most incredible thing to watch a woman encounter her husband or her boyfriend or whoever it might be. To encounter her boyfriend cheating, and instead of engaging with him, decide that she’s going to fight with the other woman. Now, of course, there’s their emotions and what have you, but the insanity of getting into a fight with the other woman instead of engaging with the person who has the relationship or the commitment with you, that says a lot.
I saw a video and I thought of maybe putting some clips of that in here, but I didn’t want to go there. I saw a video where a woman sees her boyfriend with her friend and she proceeds to fight with her while the boyfriend stands by. Now, you’ve seen those. I’m sure if you’ve been around for a while, you’ve seen them where the woman is fighting with, in quotations, the other woman, and the boyfriend is just standing there.
The woman who’s being betrayed is not fighting with him. I don’t know if it’s because she perceives that he is stronger and so she couldn’t fight him, or whatever the case might be, but at no time is he defending either of them. He’s on the sidelines, and that tells you everything about what is wrong with the picture.
I see it in a generational pattern
Now, there are many other scenarios in which I’ve seen women betray other women. Even as something as simple as — I see it in a generational pattern — there’s some women who are of a prior generation and their daughters have made advancements that they weren’t able to make. From time to time, there are many mothers who are happy and supportive and the whole nine yards, but from time to time, I see mothers who are jealous of their daughters, and that is very sad, because the issue and the position should be, at least it would be my position, that please go, please go where I wasn’t able to go. Of course, there’s sadness because you weren’t able to go as far as you wanted to, but the bottom line is that your daughter is now able to go.
Another thing that I see, and I used to think it was either a Latin or Caribbean kind of thing, where mothers would enable their sons in a very negative way to the extent that, for example, if you had a cheating husband and now you have a son and your son became a cheater, rather than discourage that behavior to help your daughter-in-law, you would facilitate and enable it because it happened to you and you are not willing to say, you know what, this stops with me. There is no way that you as a woman should be in a position where you would allow, in this day and age — I mean, generations ago it was what it was, but in this day and age we know better, and just because it happened to you doesn’t mean that you should support it happening to other women.
Another thing that happens is a mother will have expectations of her daughter and put responsibility on her daughter and make demands on her daughter and not have any such demands of her son. She loves him, and basically they are perfect. As a woman, you’re the mother and you have a son and a daughter, and you in this day and age put a lot of responsibility on your daughter and basically allow your son not to have that same level of responsibility. You don’t make demands. And this is obviously not everyone. And as a mother, if you had been in that position before, certainly we would expect that you would change in this modern day, where you would say to your son, you know, I can make demands of you, you can be a respectable man even if your father wasn’t respectable and even if I suffered because of the things that your father did to me.
I don’t want to work with another woman
I have been in scenarios, in professional scenarios, many. I’m changing the line of conversation now, about what I’ve seen. I’ve been in professional scenarios where I’ve seen some women say, I don’t want to work with another woman. And I have been in professional scenarios where the men treat the women badly and a woman would rather be treated badly by a male than a female. It is beyond comprehension.
So the question is, how is it possible for you to expect that males are going to respect women when women maintain these kinds of positions? And then I find, for example, that women will argue about things that really should matter. If I’m a woman and I’ve decided that I want to be a professional, okay, I want to be a professional, that’s that. And if I’m a woman and I’ve decided that I want to be a homemaker, okay, you want to be a homemaker, you want to be primarily responsible for your home. Now, women will fight about which one is right. There’s no fight about what’s right. Every person has a right to make decisions about how they live their life and what’s important to them, and so the idea of women just setting up reasons to argue and fight unnecessarily and reasons to kind of tear each other down is part of the problem.
It doesn’t always have to be petty
So as we celebrate Women’s History Month, I want to thank all the people, and I’m going to mention their names again. Cynthia Tingling, Laura Corris, Vicki Garrigo, Rachel Stern, Reverend Mary Tompkins, Reverend Dr. Sheila McKeithen, Dolores Ingram. These are some of the women that really have made a difference in my life.
And I want to say that as we move forward, as we move into an era where we seek balance between the male energy and the female energy, it is also important that women learn how to support each other. It doesn’t always have to be petty. It doesn’t always have to be about jealousy. It doesn’t have to be about who is prettier and who is uglier and whatever the story might be. Those are minor, minor details. The thing is who we all are as children of the divine and the work that we’re here to do in the world.
And again, I’m Olivia S. Benson, and this book, Answers from Within: A Spiritual Guide for Finding Answers to Work-Life Issues, has the chapter Man’s Inhumanity to Women. And it is true. But at the same time, women have been and can be pretty inhumane to each other.